Antland exclusive: The Interview

Today the Antland team is proud to present to you the first ever interview with an ant.

We give you... The Interview With An Ant

----------------

Antland: Hello Mr. Ant. How are you? You probably don't like to be called Mr. Ant. What should I call you, ant?

Ant: I don't know Mr human do you like being called that?

Antland: Hmm I guess now that you mention it I do because it makes me the face of my species, a position I have long desired. What do you think of Atland,  Grantland for ants?

 Ant: I first heard about it when I was contacted for this interview and I thought "uhhggg, fucking finally. Finally a site for ants." So I was both excited and humbled that this is happening. I don't really get if it's pro-ants or anti-ants but I mean shit, we'll take what we can get. I can lift 50 times my own weight but if nobody is writing about it then who the shit cares.
 

Antland: Well that's thing. We don't know if it's pro ant or ANTi ant either (haha). We know nothing about you. In school we are taught to fear you, but in church we are taught to worship you. We'd love to really get inside your head. What makes you tick? What motivates an ant like you? What song are you currently playing on repeat?

 

Ant:  Please don't mention ticks. currently I'm really just listening to anything ASAP crew but I mean I like to mellow out with some This will Destroy You or something similar when im at ant work. Been sprinkling in some Replacements now and then because you really can't go wrong with them, as you know.

 

As far as motivation goes, really I just want to get some ant ass. it sounds typical, I know, but that's what it's all about. You put in work and we ants typically work 19, 20 hour days, so there's a lot of pent up frustration. I wanna meet some girl ants, ya dig. 

Oh and money.

Antland: This is great. I'm learning so much. I actually recently saw a photograph of a very hot ant that I wanted to fuck. How does that make you feel? Also, you mentioned work.. What exactly do you do?

Ant: I hear you on that, because we ants find some of your kind very attractive. Jane fonda, the dad from Alf, Home Alone 2's Tim Curry (ants are into older humans because we don't reach sexual maturity until our 70s).

Our work can be very demanding but it's basically just picking up shit and moving it to wherever the queen ant says to. I mean at least I think there's a queen ant, but maybe that's just bees. 

Antland: Are you telling me ants live more than 70 years? Now that is just incredible. 70 plus years of carrying around shit for the queen sounds to me like a rough ride. Maybe you guys are actually relieved when some human child decides to dump a bucket of water onto one of your colonies! Or are those situations indescribably horrific?

Ant: Ants can live up to 130 years, that is simply a fact. Our healthcare system is so good that some ants literally just kill themselves after awhile because they are so bored. It's like "geez enough already." This is all true.

So yeah the disaster shit brought on by solely by humans. Sort of horrific. We honestly laugh at the thought of 9/11 because that was like one of your worst catastrophes as a race losing 3,000 lives but what you don't know is that 160,000 ants died that day too. Nobody fucking mentions this. Two gigantic buildings came crashing down in the middle of one of the world's biggest cities... uh yeah a couple of ants might have been killed too, big shots.

We have 9/11's every day in schoolyards, people's lawns, you name it. Kids just running over and peeing into an ant hill of like 10,000 ants. Bam, dead. Drowned in human piss. Where's wolf Blitzer on this one. He fucking Giraldo, that's where, in their pristine ant-less loft.

Wind, floods, you name it. The worst horror you can imagine. And magnifying glasses, dont get me started. Picture just being at work naked, as ants are, minding your own business when the fucking sun turns 38,000 times as hot and starts melting coworkers into liquid nothing as their screams are subdued as suddenly as the terror sets in. That's every day homie. Ant life expectancy would be like 300 years if it weren't for you people.

Antland: Ok listen. Let's not get into a big game of "who vaporized who with a magnifying glass" or "who drowned who in human piss." I think we can both agree that this kinda thing can go both ways and frankly you're sounding a bit bitter and it's unbecoming.

Let's cut the crap. Humans and ants have had a rocky relationship since the dawn of time. What makes this interview so monumental is that it offers us an opportunity to hash these things out. We need to establish what we can offer each other in some sort of mutually beneficial relationship. What do ants bring to the table?

Ant: A picnic table?

Antland: Sure. A Picnic table.

Ant: Alright sweet we love picnic tables. Wait do humans not like it when we join picnics

Antland: Well we don't love it. You do this thing where you take our food and sometimes you climb over us and shit. How would you like it? 

Ant: Ah ok i'm starting to connect the dots now. This makes sense when I stop to think about it. Considering this is the first ant/human interview - a groundbreaking thing really, this should be worldwide news when you think about it - we might not have realized we weren't welcome to your picnics.

Also another thing i'm realizing is that when we do this it creates some more 9/11's for us because a lot of times you guys just stomp and kill us in a truly horrifying manner. Ok yeah this is definitely a breakthrough. i'll see if I can spread the word and maybe stop this? FYI this will be difficult because there are many of us.

 

Antland: Well that's good I think we'd made some real headway here. Just a couple of final things here before I let you go.

One thing I was curious about was just the general feeling towards humans. I have mentioned that humans have complex feelings about ants, what with the fearing and also wanting to fuck them (and now that I say that I remember that you also want to fuck some of us also). Do ants generally like people in spite of us often murdering your kind by the thousands? You seem relatively up to date with our pop culture. Any humans that ants really revere or loathe? You have any ant projects coming out soon that you want to plug?

 

Ant: we don't really like you, no. A lot of that I think can be attributed to general misunderstanding but also a huge part of it is the killing. I think it's lame how sometimes you invite us into your home in the form of poor insulation and food crumbs, and then you trick us with poison and kill off an entire colony. Sadistic behavior.

But yeah the human we hate the most is god. Coming in second? You guessed it, Woody Allen. You make a movie called Antz (with a "z" at the end, fuck you) and have the lead hero be voiced by a child molester. Our fave human would probably be Tim Curry.

Nothing to plug except don't see the movie Antz, and I thank you for having me.

 Antland: Thank you for your time.